


multiple fractions and muscle contractions will tear your mind into shreds, cutting your threads, do you regret you were born?

by staubfingers



Series: New York [1]
Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Season/Series 03, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staubfingers/pseuds/staubfingers
Summary: Starting anew in another country is not easy. At least they are in this together.
Relationships: Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich/Nadia Shana
Series: New York [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685188
Comments: 22
Kudos: 107





	multiple fractions and muscle contractions will tear your mind into shreds, cutting your threads, do you regret you were born?

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD  
> Finished the season yesterday and omg I loved it so much! I'm such a sucker for these deep, emotional friendships and Lu's and Nadia's was so unexpected and great, that I ship it now. Well, I'm afraid I ship everyone with everyone at this point, and since I have to stay at home in this Corona-madness I have enough time to write ALL the fics.  
> Oh, and this sharing a dorm on campus thing the Americans do is really weird for me, and I don't quiet get how the whole college-system works over there, so maybe Lu and Nadia wouldn't be able to share a room? Whatever.  
> (Not just spoilers, but mistakes ahead, since I only learned English in school.)  
> (Title is from _Mother Superior_ by _Katzenjammer_ )

The first night is the hardest, they say, and so Nadia isn't really surprised that she's not able to fall asleep despite being awake for more than 24 hours. Her body is exhausted, but her mind is racing and showing her pictures of the last few weeks, like deep down she wants to live through them again, the good and the bad. She tries to even out her breathing, to concentrate on where she is _now,_ tries to be as happy again as she has been when she made up her mind to come here. Instead she feels lost. What has she just thought going to _New York_ after hardly ever leaving the small town she grew up in, to come here without her family, all alone. 

“Stop thinking so loud,” Lu growls on the other side of the room and turns soundly around in her bed.

“How can anyone think loudly?” Nadia whispers with closed eyes.

“I have never shared a room, even your breathing is too loud.” It sounds so much like _whining_ , that Nadia has to bite her tongue in order to keep herself from laughing.

“We'll get you some earplugs.”

Lu only makes an indefinable noise and turns around yet again. After a few minutes of listening to Lu's seemingly unsuccessful attempts to find the right sleeping position, Nadia props her head on her hand and opens her eyes. Their beds are so close they could touch if they both reached out, and a wave of sadness hits her as it reminds her of the years she spent sharing a room with Omar. She wants to asks whether Lu ever shared a room with Valerio, but she knows the answer: they only ever shared a bed.

“Do you think we made a mistake?”

Within the blink of an eye Lu sits upright in her bed, eyes wide open, “What do you mean?”

“Coming here without...just leaving everyone behind.”

She seems to think about it before stating, “We deserves this, Nadia.”

“Yes, but I'm... I'm scared.”

“Me too,” and the smile on Lu's lips is so sad, that it nearly breaks Nadia's heart.

-

They are already one week in New York and Nadia is still so homesick that it physically hurts, but at the same time she is weirdly content with a feeling of finally being where she belongs. She calls her parents every other day, writes long emails to Omar and Guzman and enjoys walking on campus without anyone batting an eye that she's wearing a hijab. So, it's still hard, but she thankfully doesn't feel like she made a mistake any more.

Lu is only ever at night in their shared room, unsurprisingly she found a couple of friends to spend the evenings with as soon as she set a foot out of their door. When she comes to bed late at night she bumps into the furniture and giggles, and Nadia debates whether she should talk to her, but realizes a few days in that it's probably normal for the new students to get drunk all the time.

It's a Sunday when Lu comes particularly late and loud and Nadia just wants to _thank_ her for waking her up once again, when she hears the quiet sobs.

“Lu?” She turns on her bedside lamp and sees Lu sitting on her bed, still dressed and shaking all over.

“Go back to sleep,” she answers and takes her shoes of with trembling fingers.

“What happened?” Pictures of _that night_ come back to her, pictures of Lu crying and shaking.

“Nothing,” she slurs, “Just go back to sleep.”

Taking a breath Nadia pushes her blanket away, tiptoes over to the other bed and sits down next to Lu. After hesitating for a moment she puts her hand onto Lu's shoulder and asks again, “What happened?”

“Just leave,” Lu hiccups and despite her words leans into the touch.

“Do you need something? Water?”

Without saying another word she lies down, facing the wall, and Nadia helplessly asks herself whether she should force Lu to talk about what happened or whether she should just leave her alone, until she hears Lu starting to sob uncontrollably again. Immediately Nadia puts one hand back onto the shoulder and stroke Lu's hair with the other one, which seemingly only makes her cry louder.

“Shh, it's alright,” Nadia mumbles all over again while rubbing slow circles into Lu's shoulder.

“Please.” It's nearly inaudible and Nadia doesn't know what Lu's asking for, but then she takes hold of Nadia's hand and pulls ever so slightly.

“I'm here,” Nadia whispers, “I'm with you.” She lies down behind Lu, her stomach pressed tight against her back in order to not fall out of the small bed, and she wraps her arms around the still shaking body. Instantly Lu holds tight onto them like she's scared Nadia will disappear if she doesn't force her to stay.

After a few minutes the sobs are slowly ebbing out and Nadia tries again, now really worried, “Did something happen?”

“No,” Lu says hoarsely, “Just- nothing really- but, please, stay.”

“Of course,” Nadia mumbles into Lu's hair who relaxes in her embrace.

-

The next morning Nadia wakes up to Lu already gone, and when they see each other again in the evening they don't talk about what has happened last night. Nadia wants to, wants to make sure Lu is alright, that no one has done anything to her, but in the end she doesn't dare to, too afraid she'll destroy the fragile friendship they established in the last few weeks.

Days pass and Nadia has almost forgotten about it, when she's forced awake once again in the middle of the night. At first she is confused, Lu was already asleep before she turned off her own light, so it was not Lu's usual clumsiness that has woken her up. A few moments later she hears it: Lu is crying again, just as loud and heart-breaking as the last time.

Without really thinking about it Nadia is out of her bed and lies down next to Lu, who's curled into herself. She turns around immediately, buries her head in the juncture of Nadia's neck and shoulder and holds onto her shirt like a drowning-man.

“You're alright, Lu,” Nadia whispers, stroking Lu's back helplessly.

“I killed him,” she sobs against Nadia's neck, “I killed him, I killed him, I killed him.” She says is so fast all over again, that it nearly turns into one word.

“No,” Nadia growls louder than she intended to, “Lu listen to me!” And when the crying only grows louder and her breathing gets more uneven, Nadia distance herself a few centimetres, puts Lu's red, puffy face between her hands and forces her to look up, “Listen, you did _not_ kill him! You read the reports: Polo died because of the fall. It was an accident and you did Not. Kill. Him.”

Shaking her head and hiccuping Lu retorts, “He fell, because I pushed a bottle into his heart and-”

“The injury wouldn't have killed him,” Nadia interjects.

“It doesn't matter! He is dead!” And Lu buries her face again into Nadia's shirt.

It hurts, seeing her like this, so utterly desperate . Nadia wishes there was a way to take the pain from her, to protect her from the memories, to find the words, that will make her feel better. But there is nothing she can do, nothing besides holding her until she falls asleep again.

-

Summer turns into autumn and Nadia slowly feels like she's at home. She has to study more than in high-school, but thanks to the scholarship she doesn't have to work in order to feed herself, something that not to be given, she realizes while talking to some other students. She takes over a tutoring-group, though, sends some money to her parents and saves the rest. Surprisingly fast she even gets some friends she spends lunch and every other evening with.

So, all in all Nadia would probably be truly happy if it wasn't for Lu who is downright miserable. Of course she gets perfect grades and is surrounded by people wherever she goes, but she's still drunk nearly every time she comes back to her room, and Nadia spends more nights than not in Lu's bed, holding her trembling body until they both fall back to sleep exhausted.

It's one of those nights when she finally says, “This has to stop, Lu. I know what has happened is horrible, and I can't even begin to understand the pain you're in, but it was an accident and you have to find a way to live with it.”

“Everything feels so wrong,” Lu mumbles into the skin of Nadia's neck.

“I know, but beating yourself up everyday won't bring him back. Neither Polo, nor Marina.”

“Sometimes I wish we wouldn't have lied, that you all wouldn't have helped me.”

Nadia presses Lu's body impossible tighter against her own in response, “And I'm so glad we did it. I'm so happy your with me.”

Lu only begins to cry again and doesn't say another word.

-

“He said no one loves me,” Lu confess the next night, when they both lie in their own beds.

“Who?” Nadia asks half asleep and shifts in her bed, only to see the back of Lu's head.

“Polo, in that bathroom. I said horrible things and he told me that no one loves me. And I knew that he was right. That's why I got so angry and pushed him against the wall, and...” she stops, taking a shuddering breath.

“He wasn't right,” Nadia says somehow feeling the anger Lu felt that night, “Valerio loves you, Guzman loves you, and Carla, and Ander, Omar, and me, I love you too,” _and Polo,_ she thinks, but doesn't say it, “We all love you so much.” 

She hears Lu starting to cry and is already sitting up, when she says, “No. Please, I just...”

“Okay,” Nadia answers and lies back down, wanting nothing more than going over and comfort her.

“Thank you,” Lu says a few minutes later, nearly inaudible.

-

After this Lu gets considerably better. She stops drinking every night and channels the energy into saving the world instead. At first she stops eating meat, then starts to buy organic-fair-trade-as-local-as-possible- _everything,_ and joins a group of people trying to make the university as climate-friendly as possible. On top she gets a job in a vegan bakery on campus and Nadia would probably be annoyed by her constant monologues on what is  _bad_ behaviour, if she wasn't so glad Lu finally looked happy again. 

The only negative side is, and Nadia hates to admit it, that Lu sleeps better as well. Sometimes she still wakes up crying, but it isn't as often as before, by far, and Nadia misses sharing a bed. It was not just that she sleeps better being close to someone, she like to be near Lu, likes _touching_ her. The realization is concerning and Nadia decides to not give to much thought into it.

It's nearly one week since they slept holding each other for the last time and Nadia lies in bed, not able to fall asleep. She isn't aware of Lu being awake as well, until she says, “You're thinking too loud. Again.”

“Sorry,” Nadia only mumbles and flinches in surprise when Lu touches her shoulder a few seconds later.

“Scoot over,” she says and Nadia complies.

Lu lifts the blanket and lies down before practically throwing an arm and one leg over Nadia's body.

“Better,” Lu says and Nadia practically feels her grinning against her shoulder.

“Yes,” she agrees and interwind their fingers, “even though these stupid beds are far too small for two.”

“We think of something,” Lu says and plants a kiss on the back of her head, “Now sleep, I'm tired.”

And Nadia does.

-

When she comes back to their room late next evening she stops in her tracks as her eyes land on the opposite wall. Staying true to her word Lu thought of something and pushed their beds together to one. Lu is sitting on it, dressed in her usual short pyjamas and smiles brightly, “Surprise!”

“Wow,” Nadia gets out, not really knowing what else to say.

“I just thought,” Lu says, smile already sinking, “Since you said, but-”

“No,” she interjects, “No, this is a good idea.”

“Really?” Lu asks looking somewhat hopeful.

“Really,” Nadia answers, trying to ignore the weird feeling in her stomach.

Going to bed this evening is awkward. They never have gone to bed together, and now Lu is already lying under her blanket, when Nadia comes back into their room, dressed into her own pyjama. She takes her hijab off, and crawls onto her own side of the bed.

Suddenly hyper-aware of Lu's body next to her she realizes how much she is wearing herself compared to Lu. Lu's legs and arms are naked, while Nadia wears long trousers and sleeves and for a moment she wishes she was as naked, so that she could put her bare legs over Lu's, touching her skin on skin.

The thought makes her cheeks turn red in heat and she's glad that it's dark in their room.

“Really, Nadia,” Lu scolds, “The whole point of this was you _not_ thinking so loud.”

Unintentionally she begins to smile, and after taking a deep breath she rolls over to Lu's side of the bed, and lies her head down onto Lu shoulder, who laughs quietly and slings her arm around Nadia's body.

-

They keep on sharing a bed. Some nights they barely touch, only fingers grazing one another now and then, other nights they're holding tight onto each other, and sometimes Lu has bad days, is miserable and angry for hours and then wakes up crying and Nadia strokes her back and tells her everything will be alright until they fall back to sleep again.

Nadia tries to not giving too much thought into it all, that she sometimes wants to get rid of her clothing to be impossible closer to Lu, that her touch leaves a nearly burning sensation on her skin, and that she shivers all over whenever Lu plants small, innocent kisses on her head and shoulders. Especially she doesn't want to think about Guzman, whom she still misses so much that it hurts and who's ex girlfriend she shares a bed with (not to mention her parents, who will tell her to come back home if they'd ever found out about this).

One evening she takes a friend back to their room to change into something else, before they go out, and when she sees the bed she only says, “Oh, hadn't thought you two were together.”

“We-” Nadia says already blushing, but is interrupted.

“No, it's fine, sorry, I didn't want to say- It's just with you...” she makes he vague hand expression, “And her being so mean... Oh, god, I'm sorry.” And now she's the one who turns red.

“It's alright. But we're not together, we're just through... a lot. And Lu can be quiet mean,” Nadia adds laughing.

For the rest of the evening she tries to shakes off the bad feeling she has ever since the word  _together_ has been dropped. 

-

It shouldn't be that much of a surprise when it happens, it has been coming ever since they held a little too tight onto each other, since hands lingered longer then necessary on naked skin, and still Nadia is unable to cope.

They are lying in bed on a rainy evening, talking, and laughing, and already half asleep. Nadia doesn't really know what makes Lu do it, she is telling her something about a book she has read earlier, and Lu has her head propped up in her hand and just smiles down at her with an absent look on her face.

“Are you even listening?” Nadia complains mockingly. 

And Lu kisses her. At first it's cautious, nearly chaste, the way Lu's lips linger on Nadia's own. She doesn't know what to do, how to react, how to feel, and when Lu's hand suddenly is on her face, stroking the cheek with her thumb, she just pulls back.

“Lu...” she says weakly, trying to find the words to describe the confusion, the _want._

For the split of a second Lu looks hurt, before putting on an indifferent mask, “Ah, I forget you're so different sometimes.”

“I'm-” Nadia tries, but doesn't get a chance to say anything else.

“Kissed Carla all the time, just an old reflex,” Lu laughs and if Nadia hadn't shared a room with her for four months she might even think it's genuine, “Never mind. I'm tried, tell me about this book tomorrow.”

“Lu, I was-”

“ _Really_ tired,” Lu says, turns the light off demonstratively, and rolls onto the side facing away from Nadia.

Sighing Nadia turns away as well, partly hurt they won't talk about it, and partly glad she gets a chance to think about what just has happened.

Well, _shit_.

-

Of course Lu is gone when Nadia wakes up, and she asks herself once again, how Lu is able to sneak out without disturbing her light sleep. Between classes she comes back to there room, hoping she'll meet Lu there, but unsurprisingly she doesn't has such luck.

Despite her words Nadia is certain, that Lu kissed her in a totally not-friendly-way, and it scares her shitless. She wants to talk to someone and nearly calls Omar, before realising that it's in the middle of the night at home and she actually doesn't want anyone to know about whatever this might be just yet. She has never thought about being with another woman, okay, she has thought about being with _Lu_ , but the possibility of her wanting the same is just overwhelming.

The day lasts an eternity and one second all at once, and when she comes back into their room after eating dinner Lu is finally there. Nadia is so relieved, that she nearly misses what Lu is doing.

“Why are you pushing the beds back?”

Lu stops in her tracks like a child who is caught with their hand in the cookie-jar and turns around slowly, “Look, Nadia, I sometimes forget about your religion-thing and how different you and I are. This,” she points onto the beds, “Was a bad idea, and I... I shouldn't have done what I did last night, I'm sorry.”

At first she is too baffled to do anything, but then Nadia starts to laugh, “You are really unbelievable, Lu. Your only explanation for me pulling back when you kiss me out of the blue is my ' _religion-thing'_?”

Now it's Lu looking confused, “Well, yes, after Omar-”

“Yes, okay, the way I was raised _might_ be part of it, but Lu, you just kissed, didn't even give me any chance to think about it, and when I wasn't on board immediately, you refused to talk to me.”

“What was I supposed to do, huh? I know when I'm being rejected, why talk about it?”

She looks so unbelievable hurt, that Nadia just wants to go over and take Lu into her arms, instead she says, “Ihave thought about this for longer than I want to admit, and I... I really like you, and what we have, and there are so many reasons for not doing this, but I want it, I just don't want to be your experiment.”

“You are not,” Lu whispers, “I haven't... but you're not an experiment. I like you, too. A lot.”

And it's like a weight is taken from Nadia's shoulders, with a small smile she says “Are we gonna push the beds back together?”

“Definitely,” Lu says grinning, “But before we do that, may I kiss you?”

“Definitely,” Nadia answers and before Lu gets the change to move she takes the few steps over to her.

It's so much better than last night. Lu's lips are warm against her own, her tongue hot in her mouth. She puts her hands on Lu's back, touches her like she did so many times, and like she never did before. It's weird to not feel the hint of a stubble, to have this unmistakably feminine perfume in her nose, long hair between her fingers. It feels fantastic.

Lu gasps into her mouth, puts her hand onto her cheek, and stops kissing her. Nadia wants to protest, but then she opens her eyes and sees Lu smiling at her. “Just because you're not an experiment it doesn't mean we don't experiment, does it?”

Nadia only laughs and kisses Lu once again.

There are so many reasons to not do this, but at least for this moment she forgets about all them and just enjoys it.


End file.
